Working on me and my mental health has been a priority of mine the last couple of years. I’ve come far and that’s not me being egotistical, that’s just honesty. I couldn’t even leave my house some days. I mean…I’d force myself out the door for the school run, but I’d then escape back to my cave and hibernate. Isolating myself from everything. The thought of being outside where I could have a panic attack and embarrass myself would become too much. At the flick of a switch I’d be okay and carry on again. I couldn’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been out, at mum’s, or a friend’s house or even out in town shopping, and I’ve had a cry in the bathroom and then composed myself and moved on with the day. That may shock people that know and love me but I’d rather deal with things myself than face appearing weak. However I overcame my anxiety by fighting it. I got myself strong mentally by facing and completing therapy, I was dubious as other therapies hadn’t worked for me, but this one did. It’s not a cure but rather an aide into helping you face certain emotions and feelings. Finding coping mechanisms and what works for you. It could be a whole host of things reading, meditation, exercise, all sorts. Music is my main one, music helps me lose myself. I can lose myself in the lyrics and refocus my thoughts and find a way to breathe. That first deep breath after an attack is the best, I’m 100% sure there are people out there that can relate to that.
However there comes a point when every one of us that battle with anxiety, will relapse. I was at least 18 months clear of an attack until November. November I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. And since that point they’ve been slowly edging their way back into my everyday life again. Now I’m having attacks daily. I woke up the other day having one. I feel guilty because I came so far, and now I feel like I’ve taken 1000 steps back. I know it’s stress that’s brought it back on but how do you just stop being stressed? I’m trying to use my coping mechanisms but they aren’t as effective. I’m struggling and it’s embarassing. I have no idea why I feel so weak.
I’m telling you guys because I know there will be someone out there feeling exactly the same way. The truth is we all feel weak sometimes. We all relapse at some point. No matter what happens, your thoughts and feelings are valid. Never let anybody make you feel differently about them. It’s not a competition. If you struggle with anxiety and your best friend does too, neither of yours is more superior than the others. People need to stop making it a contest and making people feel like their mental health is more important than the other. We are all equal. That’s all I have.
Kimmi’s Qualms Xx