I wake up everyday as a borderline. I go to sleep every night (if i can settle) as a borderline. Nothing changes apart from my emotional well-being. You see, I can wake up in a good and stable mood, but anything, the slightest thing can catapult me into a sea of tears. Sometimes I wash my hair every week, sometimes I don’t and sometimes I can’t. I can go a full week applying make up everyday and then I just retract back into my cave and don’t bother. I go through a million and one emotions a single day but I’m a professional at disguising it. I’ve been at friends houses and cried in their bathrooms from feeling overwhelmed and trapped, and they have been none the wiser. I hate letting people down so if I say I’m going to do something and wake up on the day feeling like a bag of shit, I’ll still force myself to go because that’s better than the negativity I’d feel from saying no or cancelling. So we’ve established I’m good at hiding it…or at least I was.
As some of you will know, this year has been a non stop drain on me physically and emotionally. Because of this constant drain on me, things are starting to collapse inside. Its like the foundations being removed from a house, it’d just fall. That’s exactly how I feel and I never really thought about it like that until just then when I typed it. Writing has become one of my coping mechanisms for this precise reason, it aids me to clear my mind of clutter. As my strength declines my emotional instability becomes more obvious to people. This is making me paranoid. I never know when I’m going to burst into tears, fly off the handle, or just laugh like I’m insane…it’s making me reluctant to leave the house. Appearing strong on the outside disguises the weakness and pain I feel inside. If I’m falling apart on the outside the disguise will drop. I hate appearing weak, it makes me feel vulnerable.
I woke up at 4am this morning. I was fine. I got up, had a coffee and cigarette (breakfast) and then had another coffee. I got R up and made her some breakfast and went to get myself ready for the day. I got myself dressed into something other than a damn hoodie and leggings, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and mentally planned to come home from school run and shower. We got to school and I left her with friends, I chatted happily enough with one of the Grandpa’s at the school as I walked to my car. I was just going through the morning motions but I felt like I was present in the day. All of that changed once I walked through my front door. It just engulfed me with absolutely no warning. Like a hot burning flush all over my body. Literally from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. And from that split second, I wasn’t present for the rest of the day. Clambering back into my jeans and hoodie, I managed to control the panic and terror with a meditation and breathing exercise.
It worked for a while but i was still left feeling numb and invisible. And then something happened which I won’t go into but it was a huge trigger for me. It would be minor to a stable person, I was definitely blowing things out of proportion (so unlike me LOL) It was school run time again and I had to force myself out of the door. Looking into my rear view mirror “Game face Kimmi!” I thought if I distracted myself by talking to a couple people, the panic attacks would subside but somehow we all got onto the subject of anxiety. Seriously not my day at all..! As the heat surrounded me, the tremors inside began, I felt like I was never going to be able to breathe again. Sounds dramatic but every single attack makes you think it’s the last one, this one IS going to kill you. You tell yourself you CAN breathe, there IS air, no-one is THAT close to you, there IS enough space and you ARE safe. But no matter how much you tell yourself that your brain somehow knows you’re trying to fool it. The tremors inside of you continue, your lungs shrink, your throat feels like it’s closing…In through the nose, out through the mouth. You can hear every tick from the nearby clock, the people talking around you sound like distorted echoes, really far away but so close at the same time and “oh for the love of god, please bring R out so I can go home.”
That panic attack lasted for about 30mins. Getting R into the car, the wheelchair into the car, and driving home is pretty much a blur. All I wanted to do was get home. Admittedly once I got into Cleopatra (my car,) I could get a full breath easily. I still felt slightly tremory, is that a word? It is now! The rest of my day has been spent writing to clear my mind, showering (you’ll be pleased to know), briefly crying to my Mum, and drinking tea.
I wanted to give you an insight into how anxiety is for me personally. We’re all different but these are my experiences. I’m going to attempt to relax and even possibly sleep tonight, here’s hoping. Tomorrow’s a new day. Let’s rock it together! Let me know what you think of this blog in the comments, or even let me know your coping mechanisms. Any tips from anyone?
Kimmi’s Qualms Xx