The bruises you don’t see.

I’ve never seen myself as a self-harmer. My therapist suggested after a session that my tattoos were my scars. I didn’t really agree but then when I thought about things and the way I feel before,during and after, I had to admit that it was a possibility. But society believes that self-harm is probably having cuts and scars from the blades. If I’m honest with myself,I thought the same until that session of therapy. That was only last year. And whilst I now accept my tattoos are self-harm scars,its never made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed because in my opinion, they’re awesome. I’m not suggesting that everyone who wears art on their skin is in any way,also a self-harmer. I just want to stress that point. It’s purely how they make me feel whilst I have them,that makes them scars for me. We all have inner demons and no one would look at my tattoos and think straight away that I’m self-harming.

I don’t look at them and think that either. I look at them and love them regardless of other people’s own opinions about them. We’re all entitled to our opinions and the world would be a boring place if we all agreed with one another. But whilst you see my tattoos,you don’t see the demons inside me. I’m not here to go into depth about my issues that have lead to tattooing. But what I am here to say is, judging people is something we should all be endeavouring to erradicate in society. And that includes me. Before R got sick, I believed that self-harming was cutting. It’s not. I’ve been stressed,tired,and worried beyond belief. I’ve been so emotionally unstable that it’s been a real struggle. Whilst I’ve been practically house bound with R,the anxiety started to mount and then it disintergrated around me. One night,grabbing,pulling,twisting and scratching my chest. To the point it hurt and brought tears to my eyes. I’m so numb inside that I’m just going through the motions everyday,wake up and survive,with a million things rattling around in my head. Doing this to my chest makes me realise I can survive pain. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does to me.

When I woke up the next day and realised what I had done,I was so ashamed. It looks brutal and painful. It is painful. But as the week progressed,I realised I was still doing it and now I can’t stop. It’s become like a tic,when I start to feel any sort of negative emotion,no matter where I am,I’ve noticed myself doing it. It’s like I go into a zone and then begin the pulling and twisting and when I come around it’s because of the pain of what I’m doing to myself. It looks hideous and I have been wearing big jackets when I’m out so people can’t see. I am aware I have a problem. I’m planning to get hold of my CPN, if I can. I just wanted to address the questions I had been getting on social media and hopefully make people aware,that self-harm has many different forms. And maybe this will make people think before they judge. You can’t always see the bruises people have. Be kind. You may save a life!

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