Sitting on the sofa and minding my business. Nothing to think about, nothing to worry about, no stresses and no cares. Who am I kidding? Sitting on the sofa and minding my business. A million different thoughts rattling around in my head. An empty home, each room cold and dull. It has been a while since I’ve been alone and I’m not sure I can handle it. No! I definitely can not handle it. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be normal? What is normal? How am I going to get through this? Why am I not good enough? I wish I was stronger. I wish I could get over this. I wish it would all go away. I wish I could go away. I wish I could disappear. I wish the world would just swallow me up forever and I don’t have to do this anymore.
Thoughts whirling. Thoughts consuming. Hands shaking, palms sweating, head getting foggier and lighter, chest tightening. Struggling to focus and I sit and try to stop thinking, I wasn’t thinking before was I? Well I must of been subconsciously because now I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe…I can’t think. I can’t catch a breath and I’m scared. Is this it? Am I going to die? I know I’m not, deep down I know this is anxiety. I should know by now, God knows I’ve had enough of these attacks by now. I try to get comfortable sitting down and slow my breathing. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Come on! Stop getting distracted by those thoughts in your mind and just breathe…slowly. In, out, in and out. After what feels like a lifetime I manage to get the hang of it. Phasing those thoughts to the back of my mind and breathing in and out, eventually my chest begins to loosen. Finally I take that big deep breath of relief and for a split second I feel relaxed. But then the tears start. Big, hot, and salty tears roll down my cheeks. The only thought clear in my mind is that I don’t want to be here anymore. In a small space of time I’ve gone from my mind being busy with thoughts, to now sitting here with this one and only thought. You don’t deserve to be here anymore. You’re unworthy. You not good enough. You don’t deserve to live. Its all your fault. Everyone leaves you for a reason, because you are who you are. And who you are is not enough.
I cried for a good 6 hours. I felt so low and so crap that day. All I wanted to do was go to bed and hibernate for the forseeable. But as a Mum, you can’t do that. I was suicidal. I didn’t want to be alive, I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to leave. The last time I felt that low, I tried something. This time, I picked up my car keys and went straight to the Doctors. I’m proud of myself. I reached out for help. I found it and by the evening, I felt a lot more stable than I had been feeling for a few days. It’s crazy to think that you can be so low, and then so high in such a short space of time, but that’s how it is for Borderline. Everyday I have suicidal thoughts, I don’t feel able to carry them out everyday. But because I bury things deep down, and continue pretending that there’s nothing wrong, eventually it becomes too much of a weight on my shoulders and I snap. When I snap, I snap and I lose all sense of the little stability I have.
I wasn’t sure why I was able to see clear enough to get my keys and go to the doctors this time. And then I picked my daughter up from school and suddenly, as quick as it became cloudy, it became clear. She was the reason, it’s as simple as that.