That big grey cloud above my head was ready to burst. And burst it did…
Tuesday 26th February.
2:46 AM. I haven’t slept. I’m beyond exhausted. Frustrated as hell from the fact that I’m unable to get adequate rest. All I want is sleep. Tired all day and feeling like I’m not going to make it to bedtime because I’m that sleepy. It’s like as soon as I get into bed I lose the need to sleep. Something switches inside my head and then I’m wide awake. Watching the digits of time painfully change. 6:30 AM. Time to get out of my bed. My body hurts all over and I know the day is going to be a struggle but unbeknown to me, I have no idea what my BPD has in-store for me. My daughter was getting herself ready for school, I was gulping large amounts of coffee in to my system in a bid to get through the day. Over-hearing something on the TV and I stopped to listen. And that was the straw that broke the camels back. The tears began and I’m honestly not exaggerating when I say I couldn’t stop myself breaking down all day. I took my daughter to school, I came home and I sat on the sofa and cried continuously. I was so low. So low that I was genuinely not wanting to be around anymore. I kept thinking of ways to end my life, and then the next minute, I was trying to make myself see rationally, all whilst tears poured out of my eyes and my head felt like it was splitting into two. I knew I needed to pick up my prescription so in an attempt to get away from the thoughts in my head, I got into my car and drove to the doctors surgery. Sunglasses on to hide my swollen eyes and hopefully keep me from breaking down. FAIL! Didn’t work at all. As soon as I saw my friend I broke. I was hot,bothered,tired,my head hurt, my eyes stung from the amount of tears I had shed,i could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter from anxiety and I was completely unable to focus. I was just in a black hole and didn’t see any way out. I’m not going to bore you with details of the entire day because we’d be here forever. It felt like one of the longest days of my life. To cut a long story short I basically cried the entire day and collapsed into bed super early and exhausted.
Wednesday 27th February.
I slept for at least 8 hours and I feel so much better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cured. I may have woken up and got dressed into a nice outfit and put some make up on, but that doesn’t mean that I feel okay. It’s all a front to make myself feel better than the thoughts in my head. I feel less bogged down today and less unable to handle things. I still have the shit in my head. I still have the worry of things that are going on in my life. But today I feel like I’m able to handle it a bit better. Sleep helps. Everyday is different, my god every hour is different with my BPD at the moment. I’ll cope and power through like always.
If you take anything from this post then let it be this. Just because someone has made an effort with their appearance, or they have a smile on their face it does not mean that they don’t have mental health problems. You never know what is going on upstairs in people’s minds. You don’t know what people are struggling with. Quit judging. Everybody’s story is different. Who are you to judge?
Kimmi’s Qualms Xx