Keeping up appearances – or not.

Lets be honest, so far this year has been incredibly trying so it’s no surprise that my mental health is suffering. Whether it’s breaking down in tears during the day whilst hiding in the bathroom, (so my daughter doesn’t see/hear) or waking in the night to panic attacks, or even waking after a couple hours sleep and not being able to sleep again, to simply not taking care of myself properly. So many factors come into play when it comes to Borderline. I try extremely hard not to blame my Borderline for things I do because I don’t want to be the person who says “Oh I’m sorry I done, did, said that, it was my Borderline.” Having a mental illness is not an excuse for being a shitty person.

But at the moment I do feel like a shitty person. I may not be lashing out the way I used to at people I love, I may not be breaking down in public, I may have put my make up on to leave the house, but none of this means my mind isn’t suffering. I’ve become very good at hiding how I feel and burying my emotions until I’m alone. The reason for this is because I know I’ve put the people in my life through enough. I don’t want to be the weak, emotional wreck anymore. They’ve held me up for far too long and now it’s time for me to hold myself up.

I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I have my shit together. I feel anxious all the time, I feel like I could burst into tears at anytime, I feel fat and ugly, I feel alone and unworthy, I feel frightened and unsure. I don’t know what I feel unworthy of though. I’m trying not to dwell on these thoughts. I’m trying to bury my head in the sand and hope for the best. Past experiences have told me this doesn’t end well, but what else am I meant to do?

Before 2019 began I was handling life like a boss. Life has a way of sneaking up on you and biting you in the ass, and when this happens to me, I always buckle under the pressure before I become a badass again. It fucks me up and if I’m not coping then I self-sabotage and tear myself up inside. I blame myself for every little thing because I genuinely feel like, these things wouldn’t happen if I was stronger and more able to handle my shit.

I have a “care co-ordinator” which is actually a saner way of saying ‘community pyschiatric nurse.’ She is leaving soon, I have one more appointment with her. She comes to my house to check on my well-being, my life and just to see if I’m still alive I think. The last appointment I had with her, she said she thought I was coping extremely well and had no need for a new ‘CPN’ to be allocated to me. I’ve had a ‘CPN’ for the last 3 years. I genuinely can’t imagine not having one because whilst I hated it at first, now it makes me feel safe, and I’m scared of not being safe.

I know where my mind goes and I know how low I’ve been. I know I’ve sat here numerous times over the last 2 months and contemplated suicide. It’s hard to handle everything like the strong Mother everyone thinks you are. It’s hard to keep up appearances. People think suicide is the easy way out, believe me now, it’s not. The thoughts that go through your head before, during and after a failed attempt are not easy. Fighting away those thoughts on a near daily basis is not easy. My daughter is the one that is unknowingly keeping me here at the moment, she needs me, I need her. Mental health is terrifying.

Kimmi’s Qualms Xx

Images are my own and not to be taken.

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