I have a problem with anger when I’m stressed. I’ll flip and once my mouth opens…its over. I hear my mum’s voice in my head saying “Kimberley, think before you speak,” but it’s really hard to hear her when the words are projectile vomiting over my target. I’m not even going to sugarcoat it. I can be nasty and when I rewind and think about it, I instantly regret it. I take it too far and don’t know when to stop.
The last couple of years though I’ve come really far with controlling it. I’m lashing out much less and do hear my Mum’s voice telling me to “think.” I put it down to the fact that I am happier with my successes in the last couple of years, and the fact that I feel like I’ve grown up a bit more. I take time for myself, whether it’s 2 hours reading of an evening, half hour putting some make up on, or even a super treat like 5 minutes to take a piss in peace, (Mum’s know) haha!
The way to get me to flip my shit is if it has anything to do with daughter. Like any decent Mum, I want to protect my child, give her the best I can, love her the best I can, be someone she can come to for advice when needed. I also want her to know that when she is unable to, I will be there to fight her corner. That’s exactly what happened today, only I fought a little bit too hard and went slightly too far (I guess.) I say ‘I guess’ because although I lost it and was nasty, rude and just damn right aggressive, I still got shit moving. I managed to get a step forward taken after going full savage.
And then I realised something. I had someone beside me today. Not someone I’ve known my entire life and not family. Someone that has helped me many times over the past year and a half. My daughter’s best friends, Mum. She stayed with me and supported me through a really difficult morning today. She didn’t leave me once she had all the gossip, she kept me with her. Didn’t allow me to drive knowing how worked up and angry I was. She spent the morning of her day off, being there for me. I don’t know how, but her and her parents managed to calm me down and see the bigger picture. 2/3 hours later…I apologised for my words and became the bigger person. Sure…it was difficult and not something I really wanted to do but inside I knew, deep down, I shouldn’t of said what I said. I did it out of love and protection over my girl, and whilst that’s not really an excuse, it really is. Parents will understand.
Anyhow, I realised that I wouldn’t of apologised if I didn’t have that strong, helpful, caring and genuinely concerned friend beside me to help me see where I went wrong. Where were the ‘friends’ I’ve helped out numerous times over the years? Funny that! It wasn’t me lashing out like a starved wild animal that got things moving. It was me returning to the scene and apologising. Taking the upper hand. Being the bigger person. Maybe this will make me ‘Think before I speak’ and help me to bury that anger for good.
Thank you so much to Mel, Maggie and Geoff for just being there for me. Not just today but always. I really appreciate it!
Kimmi’s Qualms Xx
All images are my own and not to be taken.