I originally gave this post the title, ‘I’m just a mum doing her best.’ It wasn’t until I read it over and over in my head that I realised it made being a mum sound like it’s nothing. I’ve worked in a chip shop, a few supermarkets, a bar and hotel, a couple of restaurants and a couple of high street clothing stores, and no job has ever come close to making me feel as tired as I feel now nearly 10 years into being a mum. I would laugh but I’d probably cry.
I never really had the sleep deprivation when my baby was born. She slept all night, near enough every night. The fatigue and tiredness from her blood disorder has always ensured she slept well and full nights. I’m talking at least 12 straight hours every night.
2019 was supposed to be a great year. It’s only February 6th and I’m done. No kidding. This time last year she was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease and now we’re looking at M.E/CFS. I mean honestly how much more is my kid meant to be able to take? How much more am I supposed to take?
Since Sunday this week she has been so poorly that she’s been unable to stand let alone walk. Carrying a nearly 10 year old around just isn’t a feasible option. I’m not sleeping and not because she isn’t sleeping because believe me, she is, I’m just constantly worried and analysing. Talking to the doctors and having countless phone calls isn’t helping or getting us any further. All I can do is wait for the referral and hope it isn’t too long a wait. I even looked into going private but it’s way too expensive, and a lot of insurances don’t cover Chronic conditions. I’ve had to hire a wheelchair just so I can get her out of the house when walking is too painful or tiring. Heartbreaking.
A couple of times this week I’ve been called inspirational and strong. Trust me, I am neither. People only see the me I want to show. I’m not going to show myself breaking down crying every night, I’m not going to show how angry I am that it’s my daughter. I’m just doing everything I can to get my daughter through each day and night, she is my strength. She is what makes me appear to be stronger than I am.
If anyone has any advice for me then it’d be greatly appreciated. I’d love to talk to anyone that suffers with this chronic condition and see how you live with it day to day. Any advice on pain relief etc? I also want to take this chance to thank my mum and family for their support, but especially my mum. I know I’m stressed, snappy and just horrid to be around but thank you for being my mum and talking me down when I’m losing the plot. I love you. Xx
Kimmi’s Qualms Xx
All personal photos are my own and not to be taken.