Failing and flying.

You’re 8 years old and you’re watching the classic Disney films. The prince always falls in love with the princess and then they ‘live happily ever after.’ Apparently marrying the prince makes all their dreams come true and solidifies their lives, everything will be okay now because they have their prince.

You’re 15 years old and exams are nearing, the future is unknown but exciting. You believe that this is the beginning of being free. Free from school and all the subjects and people you dislike, free from the bullies, free from the ‘popular kids’ that swan around thinking they own the place, puberty was kind to them and they always had the latest brand of trainers. The world is your oyster and you can choose which path you take. College, work or a gap year. What will you choose?

You’re 17 years old and everything is falling apart. You thought when you left school that everything was going to just fall into place…but it didn’t. You lost your way. The only thing that fell into place, was the litre bottle of vodka in one hand and fat spliff in the other. Where were you going in life? What were you doing? Where was your future headed? You were involved in the wrong crowd of people, the kind of people that were holding you back from the dreams you had. What was next..?

You’re 21 years old and you’re at home. You left home 4 years ago and moved to a new town. Your family were no longer local but it was a decision you made, and you were more than certain it was what you wanted. You wanted him and that’s why you chose to leave your hometown. You hadn’t felt homesick as such or even isolated from them. But now you’re holding your 3 month old baby who is suffering with colic. He isn’t home. You don’t know where he is and you can’t get hold of him. He finished work 3 hours ago, but this was normal for him now. You probably wont see him until he strolls through the door anytime between 5AM until 1PM. You’ve never felt more isolated from your family, than you do now. You have no idea what to do. Was this all a big mistake?

You’re 27 years old and at home. You’ve just been signed off of work because of stress, anxiety and depression and severe panic attacks. Who knew that you would be the person that suffered with panic attacks? You didn’t have any understanding of any of it, but that was because you had never had to deal with it. You thought you was dying. That’s what it felt like. Not being able to breathe, your whole body shaking, the piercing pain through your chest, the dizziness, and what was that pain in your back? Breathe, calm down, stop shaking, breathe. Easy to say but not so easy to do, let alone hear when you’re in that bubble of fear. What on earth happened to your life?

You’re 31 years old. It’s rolled in to a new year, it’s been your birthday. It dawns on you that, all that fear the year before about turning 30 was for nothing. You’ve never felt more comfortable in yourself. You’re a single mother who does it all alone. One of your biggest fears was bringing a child into a broken home. It’s been a long time coming, but you finally realise as you sit there on your bed at 31 years old, that no one is going to rescue you because you’ve already rescued yourself. There’s no prince that is going to gallop into your life and take away all your problems, delete all your past failures and make everything okay. Even if such prince did exist, you know now that you wouldn’t want him. You needed all those past mistakes, past failures, and past loves (as much as you hate to admit it.)

Every single thing we do, every decision we make, whether it be bad or good, defines us into being the people we are. We all make mistakes, and we’ll continue to make mistakes until the day we are no longer here. So don’t feel downhearted because you’re not where you envisaged your life being. You are exactly where you’re meant to be. Every failure leads us to where we are. Every failure makes us who we become. And that’s exactly why we shouldn’t be calling them failures. They are stepping stones, and each time we get to the next, a lesson is there to be learnt. Embrace your lessons and grow. Be happy and secure with where you are. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.

Kimmi’s Qualms Xx

Image courtesy of Joseph Colombrita. IG: Poemsbyjcol

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