Where to begin? For the 31 years I’ve been on this earth, you have been my mum. The first 20 years were rocky to say the least. I have many regrets. I’ve made mistakes and messed up many a time. As a young child I lashed out and took all my hurt out on you. I blamed you. Everything that I ever felt negatively about when I was too young to understand, stemmed back to him. My dad. In my child’s mind, I blamed you. It was your fault he wasn’t around anymore. It was your fault he didn’t want me, my sister and brother. I was upset. I couldn’t process how I was feeling at that age, and to be honest, what child could? I thought running away from school at age five, six, and seven (and possibly eight, I don’t remember,) would make him come back. He may worry about where I was or who I was with, but he didn’t. The only people that worried, were the people I cared about and loved very much, my mum, my stepdad, my sister and brother.
As I grew older my upset turned to anger, especially when I hit my teen years. I knew deep down that it wasn’t your fault at all. He made his choice to walk away and not be involved with our childhood, that was on him, his decision. So I knew that but for some reason I still lashed out at you. The one stable and constant in my life. Why? I was nasty to you. I said things I didn’t mean and done things deliberately to make you worry. I disobeyed you. I drank underage. I smoked cigarettes, pot and weed. I hung out with people that were definitely no good for me. I partied hard, and each time I left the house I promised to be home by 10/11, depending on what curfew you gave me. Many times I didn’t even bother to come home and would stroll through the door the following day, rudely defending myself and insulting you in your home. You’d been up all night worrying about me and my whereabouts and I couldn’t even drop you a text to tell you I was safe.
They say having a baby changes you, but I think that could possibly be the biggest understatement in parenthood. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted you there when I gave birth. Of course you didn’t let me down and was by my side the whole way through. Pregnancy and birth. The bubble of love I was in, in those first few hours after she was born was like none other, and having you beside me meant everything to me.
Nearly 10 years on from that day and it’s safe to say that we couldn’t be any closer. Now I see it clearly, through the eyes of a mum. Of course I knew it wasn’t your fault he left, I knew that years ago but I just couldn’t express my feelings without becoming overwhelmed and horrible. Lashing out over and over again. I was a horrible daughter to you growing up. I was nasty, vile, mean, selfish, and I acted like a spoilt brat. I’m sorry mum. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. You deserve the world, the moon and the stars. You’re one in a trillion and I’m super lucky to be able to call you Mum. There’s no one in the world that could ever replace you. Me, my brothers and sister owe it all to you. We wouldn’t be the people or the parents we are today without your love, care and guidance. And for that, we are forever grateful.
Thank you for being you Mum. I love you Xx
Poem by Joseph Columbrita. IG: @poemsbyjcol