So you see, yes I have a lot to deal with in this house. I never know what the day or week is going to bring. There are few things I do know for sure in this life. I don’t know if I’ll ever marry the man I love. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to have another baby and be made a mother again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able follow a dream of mine and write my own book and be published. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to move away and start all over again. One thing I do now know, is that no matter what happens and what comes my way, I will be okay.
Think positive, stay positive, be positive. It all sounds so cliché. It’s also definitely one of those things that are easier said than done. I don’t always feel strong, in fact if I had to put a percentage on it, I’d say 80% of the time I’m a crumbling mess. That remaining and rare 20% of the time, I feel like I can take on the world for all of five minutes. Those five minutes are what counts though. Because those five minutes for me, are what restores my mindset for the other times that I’m drowning. It’s a vicious circle. I feel really shitty and weak, I’m ready to give up. I don’t think I can take anymore. And then I’ll wake up one morning after a meagre four (or if I’m lucky, six) hour sleep and feel refreshed and ready to take on anything. Or I could simply sit down for a cup of coffee (I love coffee) and then get a second wind and off I go. Buzzing around and taking on the world until I run myself ragged and physically can’t take anymore. And then I’m back to square one.
However square one is a different place to where it once was. Square one used to be a place where I couldn’t see a way out. There was no escape. It was four black walls closing in on me and no light. What changed you asked? Well two years ago I decided to do some things for me. I decided that I was going to read more books. I loved reading and hadn’t been taking time out for myself and wasn’t indulging in books as much as I had done in the past. Books for me are a way of escaping your own reality, and to be honest everyone wants to escape now and again. So that was my first promise to myself. That I would take a bit of time everyday, if possible, to read. Escape, even if it was for just ten minutes a day before bed. My second promise to myself was something I should of done years ago. I always wanted to drive but never thought I was going to be able. Money was and still is tight, like it is in most families these days. I’m no different. So I got myself a driving instructor at 29 years old and gave myself a year to pass. I wanted my own car by the time I turned 30. I budgeted everything. I made cuts in outgoings as much as I could and had an hour and a half long lesson, every week. It was difficult, I’m not going to lie. My driving instructor was incredible and really understanding of my anxiety and how nervous I was. There were times where I would drive to this lay-by and get out of the car and just cry. But eventually I done it. I passed my test just before Christmas of 2017. I was so happy and so proud of myself and so was my family, friends and instructor. I had finally reached one of my goals, albeit 12 years late. I had my license before I reached 30. All of the budgeting had been worth it in the end and I hadn’t failed. The high from this little (but huge to me) accomplishment, lasted for a long time. And that was where square one became a different place. Now it was a place with four black walls closing in on me, but there was a window. There was a means to escape.
What I’m trying to get at, is that we all have struggles. We all have our own problems and issues. But no other person’s struggles are bigger than someone else’s. Staying positive isn’t easy. Taking time out for yourself isn’t easy, regardless of your situation. I’m not saying that you have to be positive for things to change but it definitely helps. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to be positive and then everything fell into place, because that definitely did not happen. It was a daily battle in my mind everyday and I had to decide what was more important to me. Did I want my mind to win and for me to watch another year slip by with no accomplishments? Or, did I want to fight through my mind and experience that buzz when I smashed my goal? The latter won and I couldn’t of been prouder of myself.
The battle inside your mind is always going to be a tricky area but if you will yourself to be stronger, you can overcome it. Start with small things, it doesn’t have to be reading a book for ten minutes a day. Anything you loved to do that you maybe don’t do enough anymore. Give yourself ten minutes a day. Take that time for you. Set yourself a goal. Battle with your mind and win as much as you can. You’ve got this, it can’t be all bad after all.